A collection of aural nightmares that haunted us this year...
GIGWISE
13:49 16th December 2009

You've seen the best albums of 2009, now it's time for Gigwise to unveil the 20 worst albums of 2009. Who will make number one? See them in their hideous non-glory below:
Text: David Renshaw, Dom Gourlay, Scott Colothan

  • 20. Bon Jovi: 'The Circle' - Does anyone remember Bon Jovi's performance on The X Factor? No, because what Jon Bon and co. managed to do was slip the whole nation into a collective coma using their sheer dullness as a battering ram. 'The Circle' is fine if you're a middle aged woman who spent the 80's lining up outside the fire exit of Wembley Stadium waiting to catch a glimpse of the band, but for the rest of us it's not.

  • 19. The Twang: 'Jewellery Quarter' - Unless it was a genius plot to make their debut look good by comparison, there are no positives to be taken from this Birmingham band's woeful second album. With tracks like 'Barney Rubble' and 'Twit Twoo' it's hardly an intellectual head-scratcher either. You can't help but think 'Jewellery Quarter' will be the last we ever hear from The Twang.

  • 18. Sean Kingston: 'Tomorrow' - Boasting some horrendously garish artwork and a duet with comedy punks Good Charlotte it's no great surprise that 'Tomorrow' was no world beater. It was a shame however as Kingston's 'Beautiful Girls' is a great modern pop song but ultimately has proven to be a one hit wonder. 'Tomorrow' even flopped in Kingston's native USA peaking at 37 on the Billboard charts in it's first week before dropping out of the top 40 all together the following week.

  • 17. Pixie Lott: 'Turn It On' – Pixie Lott is essentially a notice board of a pop star. Various stylists, song-writers and producers stick their assorted tat onto her resulting in a thoroughly confused 18 year old girl trying to be GaGa one minute and Duffy the next. You get the feeling that literally nothing about her is real or properly thought out even down to the smallest details. Take her name for example, she's not actually called Pixie and is known by her parents as Victoria - presumably someone read Heat magazine and decided that Pixie was a cool name. 'Turn It On' is a suitably testing affair featuring two of the worst songs of the year in 'Mama Do' and 'Boys and Girls'.

  • 16. Flo Rida: 'R.O.O.T.S.' - Everyone loves a pun and an acronym but none more so than Flo Rida. Guess where he is from? Go on, I bet you can't crack it. Oh no, you're right, he is from Florida which is basically the same as Liam Gallgher calling himself Man Chester. Featuring the likes of Ke$ha, Wyclef Jean, Ne-Yo and Nelly Furtado, 'R.O.O.T.S' is certainly a star studded affair. Ne-Yo appears on the track 'Be On You' which takes it's inspiration from the tongue in cheek sexism from the Will Ferrell movie Anchorman. Somehow we suspect Flo isn't quite giving the cheeky nod to a time gone by like Ferrell was though. 'R.O.O.T.S' stands for Route Of Overcoming The Struggle and there is no bigger struggle than sitting through the entirety of album low point 'Right Round' which tragically samples 'You Spin Me Round' by Dead Or Alive.

  • 15. Asher Roth: 'Asleep in the Bread Aisle' - What could have been a great frat-rap album sadly turned out to be an early night instead of the all-night party it promised. Roth failed to capitalise on the success of 'I Love College' and, bar a great song with Cee Lo Brown from Gnarls Barkley, much of 'Asleep In The Bread Aisle' was ironically a yawn fest. Those early comparisons to Eminem look embarrassingly premature in hindsight.

  • 14. Jet: 'Shaka Rock' - Like a dog chasing its own tail Jet refuse to give up on music. Releasing their third album in 2009 the band celebrated by going out on the lash with Tottenham Hotspur footballer David Bentley when in London on promo duty. Later that night Bentley crashed his car into a lamppost and the influence of alcohol was blamed. Personally we think he was given a copy of 'Shaka Rock' and decided to play it on his way home.

  • 13. Mongrel: 'Better Than Heavy' - The problem with Jon 'The Reverend' Mclure is that he is all talk. Endlessly gabbing on about this subject or that, he rarely says anything of any substance. As well as releasing another terrible album along with his Makers (It just missed this countdown), McClure also started a side-project under the name of Mongrel. In typically gobby fashion he promised the world it would include M.I.A and Saul Williams- in reality McClure was joined by members of Babyshambles and Andy Nicholson formerly of Arctic Monkeys. This albums only saving grace was that it was distributed for free- nobody would dare charge for this rubbish.

  • 12. Dan Black: ((UN)) - Proof, if ever it were needed, that hype does not lead to success must come in the story of Dan Black. Tipped for great things in 2009 Black featured alongside the likes of White Lies and Lady GaGa is numerous polls and lists in January but come December can anyone even name one of his songs? This stupidly titled album is all that is wrong with Black condensed into twelve painful songs.

  • 11. Tokio Hotel: 'Humanoid' - The German pop-goths released their third album in 2009 unleashing dual language versions in both their native German alongside an English version. According to the record's producer Dave Jost the title 'Humanoid' was decided on because, despite being spelt the same, it is pronounced differently in German and English. Despite the face on the cover being robotic and showing exposed wires it still manages to look more human than singer Bill Kaulitz ever has.

  • 10. Hot Leg: 'Red Light Fever' – The band who put the cock into cock rock. It's not clear whether this album is so horrifying because it's just plain bad or because it heralded the return of Justin Hawkins. Like a dog returning to its own vomit, Hawkins decided to give music another go despite the combined horrors of The Darkness and his demoralising Eurovision effort. Combining all the garish tendencies of The Darkness with none of the fun, Hot Leg represent the final nail in the coffin of Hawkins' career.

  • 9. Black Eyed Peas: 'The E.N.D' – We were hoping that this, BEPs' fifth full-length, would spell out the end for the group in more ways than one. Sadly, judging by their continued success, the record is likely to spark a new chart-conquering chapter in the band's life. It's still incredible to think that devoid of Fergie, Black Eyed Peas' first two albums back on the other side of the millennium were actually rather good.

  • 8. brokeNCYDE: 'I'm Not A Fan... But The Kids Like It' - Easily the worst band to emerge this decade, the New Mexico crunk outfit are the aural equivalent of rubbing a cheese grater on your cock. Or sandpaper even. Honestly, there are barely words in the dictionary to describe how horrible this record is. How any kids like this band is truly beyond me.

  • 7. N-Dubz: 'Against All Odds' - Weasel-faced 'Dappy', Tulisa and Richard 'Fazer' Rawson - a.k.a N-Dubz - are crown princes (and princess) of the British pop scene and gave the Gigwise office some great laughs when we got our copy of this album in October. Along with the unsurprisingly awful music the album comes with a booklet on how to 'Be just like N-Dubz' featuring a glossary of the band's slang and style tips including a guide on how to wear your hat. Annoying, tuneless and soon to be forgotten, N-Dubz should look to the careers of So Solid Crew and Blazin' Squad for a reality check.

  • 6. Mika: 'The Boy Who Knew Too Much' - Nobody asked him to but Mika returned to action in 2009 with this painful effort. The curly haired squealers second album features the single 'We Are Golden'- essentially nothing more than a rip off of Belinda Carlisle's 'Heaven Is A Place On Earth' and 'Walking On Broken Glass' by Annie Lennox a dirty blight on 2009. Mika says that the album deals with his teenage years and the trials of adolescence, but given the choice between having acne and listening to Mika again we know which one we'd choose. Pass the Clearasil.

  • 5. The Enemy: 'Music For The People' - Music For The People? We can only hazard a guess as to what kinds of people would honestly want to hear music such as this, however nothing can excuse such a dreadful collection of “songs” as these. There’s the one that rips off ‘Common People’, the one that apes Cast, the several that want to be Oasis but our favourite is the one about being born with a ‘Silver Spoon’ in one’s mouth. Guys, this “we’re working class” shtick is getting boring, and let’s face facts; The Enemy could have an unlimited seven-figure budget, hire the best producers and record in the most prestigious studio in the world yet still end up with a steaming turd of a record such as this.

  • 4. Chris Brown: 'Graffiti' -As far as profile management goes viciously assaulting one of the worlds most beloved pop stars is not a great idea. Pleading guilty to assaulting Rihanna didn't stop Chris Brown releasing a new album (after he got some pesky community service out of the way) in 2009 though. Featuring artwork beyond ridicule and songs with titles like 'I Can Transform Ya' and 'Pass Out' Brown has seen the sales of this album suffer somewhat (though tragically he still has hordes of female fans) and saw him take to Twitter in December criticising Walmart for not stocking his record.

  • 3. Chris Cornell: 'Scream' (Universal) - So you were the lead singer in Soundgarden then went on to front a band consisting of ex-members of Rage Against The Machine - a pretty solid CV most people would agree. So why of why did Chris Cornell feel the need to record this dreadful album with Timbaland? The sound of two men who have fallen so far from their respective perches that they can only work together, 'Scream' is an auto-tuned painful mid-life crisis of an album that Nine Inch Nails' Trent Reznor hilariously mocked online.

  • 2. The Jonas Brothers: 'Lines, Vines and Trying Times' - A Gigwise hate list featuring Jonas Brothers? Yeah, sorry Nick, Joe and err.. the other one but as long as you continue to make your turgid brand of castrated pop-rock we'll have to carry on calling you on it. 'Lines, Vines and Trying Times' is the sickly pop act's fourth album and features highlights such as 'Paranoid' (sadly not a Black Sabbath cover) and 'Fly With Me'. Hilariously Jo Bro cited Liverpool band The Zutons as an influence on this album whilst the New York Times stated that album track 'World War 3' sounded like the band had 'pulled a collective hernia'.

  • 1. Eoghan Quigg: Eoghan Quigg - Where to start with this rotten turd of an album? One critic even went as far as describing the X Factor contestant's rush-released album as being ' the worst album in the history of recorded sound'. The self titled album features some of the covers Quigg performed on The X Factor such as 'Never Forget By Take That' and Busted's 'Year 3000'. James Bourne, the lead singer in Busted, wrote one of the few original songs on the album with a track called '28,000' friends. Quigg has since seen his X Factor peers JLS and Alexandra Burke go on to achieve massive success- somehow we doubt that figure of 28,000 is entirely accurate. Without doubt the worst album of the year.