More about: The White StripesJack White
'Jus pie-ano, vocals, and a long blue line of cold chills'
It’s hard to imagine now, but back in 1999, Jack and Meg White were still relative unknowns in the music world, and people still bought CDs.
An amazing review of the White Stripes self-titled debut album has surfaced online, written by apparent mega-fan, Adam Beales; the first ever review for the band on Amazon.
Beales is in disbelief that no one else has written about the album, and sets about addressing the injustice in the best way possible: inventing words, taking swipes at “EMO sh!t” and Led Zeppelin, playing fast and loose with grammar, and penning some similes that would put Hemmingway to shame.
It’s pretty special. Here are a few of our favourite passages from Adam Beales’ magnum opus:
“If Robert Plant coulda singed like that, Led Zeppelin might have even sold a few rekkids.”
“What we got here is a boy, a girl, a guitar, a rudimentary drumkit, and a Led Zeppelin fixation like the Aswad High Dam. You take all that, you stuff it through the rama-lama-fa-fa-fa with more cheap speed than a normal ninth-grader can handle and you will most definitely get you somma that WHITE STRIPES.”
“They got what the eggyheads like to call ‘Dynamics’. It means that they can kinda lay back like a little kitty cat sometimes, affore they jump up and rock yer flabby ass all to hell. (I’m not talkin’ about all that malajusted EMO sh!t either.”
“Jus pie-ano, vocals, and a long blue line of cold chills”
“If you like it neat, cheap, and served in a dirty glass, the. WHITE STRIPES gonna set you up fine.”
Surprisingly, only 14 of 19 Amazon users found it helpful, but read it in full and make up your own mind.
More about: The White StripesJack White
Photo: WENN
