A smorgasbord of aural nasties with Britney Spears, Akon, Mika and more..
GIGWISE

16:23 30th September 2009

The latest of Gigwise's end of decade countdowns, brace yourself it's the worst songs of the noughties!

  • 50. Afroman: 'Because I Got High' (2001) - A horrible, horrible song presumably only written for 14-year-old stoners to sing along to whilst they fester in their own dirt and smoke a joint when watching South Park. Totally unimaginative, 'Because I Got High' is about as funny as the black death.

  • 49. Stereophonics: 'Mr Writer' (2001) - In which the band that manages to make Oasis sound like fearless musical adventurers punish critics who've dared to point out their songs are a bit shit by putting out a dim-witted, plodding pile of pants that proves the scribes' harsh words were, if anything, far too kind. What's worse, they probably figured it's a protest song to match the finest finger-pointing works of Dylan and Lennon. Still, at least Wayne Rooney likes them.

  • 48. Orson: 'No Tomorrow' (2006) – Orson are so bad they make The New Radicals sound like Radiohead. The frontman was a twat in a hat too. Musically it's insipid as hell and contains horrible lines like “Let's go to a rave, And behave like we're trippin', Simply 'cause we're so in love”. Perhaps it would have been a better song, Orson, if you'd ingested shit-loads of LSD and lost your MOR minds? Just a suggestion.

  • 47. Sum 41 featuring Iggy Pop: 'Little Know It All' (2003) - Once an undisputed rock God, old Iggy has lost his way in recent years. Aside from those cringe-worthy car insurance adverts he now appears in, six years back he released a song with those little urchins Sum 41. Without Iggy it's an archetypal one-dimensional, punk-pop song from a shit band. With Iggy it helps tarnishes an icon's legacy. For that reason alone it warrants a place on our list.

  • 46. Sandi Thom: 'I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair)' (2005) - There's not much we can add to Robin Hawkins', from little-known indie crusaders The Automatic, description of this song, so, for a change, we'll let him do the talking. He said upon its release in 2005: "If she was a punk rocker with flowers in her hair she'd get the shit kicked out of her by other punk rockers, for having flowers in her hair. I haven't found anyone who's told me they like that song and bought it." Thanks Rob, well said.

  • 45. Madonna: 'American Life' (2003) – Madge once again drafted in a producer-du-jour for her 2003 album 'American Life', this time French dance hero Mirwais. All good on paper, but as this title track shows, something drastically went wrong somewhere. It starts off okay with Madge berating her home nation to an archetypal crunching Mirwais electro beat, but then it goes wrong when she RAPS! Yes RAPS! Easily the worst 30 seconds of Madonna's career.

  • 44. Razorlight: 'America' (2006) – Johnny Borrell's warbling falsetto is at its most self-indulgent and painfully annoying in this thoroughly miserable song about one man's despondency with the US of A. Penned by ex-drummer Andy Burrows, the song wouldn't be half as bad without Borrell's monotonous drawl narrating it. In a just world, Razorlight would go away and never inflict such torture on us ever again.

  • 43. Bon Jovi: 'It's My Life' (2000) - Jon Bon Jovi, he of sparkling teeth and perfectly blow dried hair, blasts through this rabble rousing ode to life. Musically vacuous, the lyrics too are so woefully empty it's actually a struggle to highlight a low point.

  • 42. Daniel Bedingfield: 'I Gotta Get Thru This' (2001) - Written in Beddingfield's bedroom, 'Gotta Get Thru This' stormed the charts at the end of 2001 on the back of the UK Garage revolution. To this date, it remains one of the singer's biggest hits – not to mention one of his worst. Sounding a little like a constipated duck, it was no surprise Beddingfield eventually had to hand over his “pop crown” to sister Natasha. Now, don't even let us get started on her.

  • 41. Counting Crows: 'Big Yellow Taxi' (2003) – The umpteenth cover of the classic Joni Mitchell song and easily the worst of the lot. An absolutely pointless, unimaginative cover featuring awful “shoop-bob-bob”, “sha-la-la-la” squeaky backing vocals from Vanessa Carlton, like many songs on this list it achieved astonishing commercial success.

  • 40. Nizlopi: 'The JCB Song' (2005) - There's something undeniably endearing about a little boy and his Dad's tractor, and all the fun they had together on it. Oh wait, no there's nothing endearing about that at all... It's just plain fucking stupid. The supposedly endearing mock-cockney delivery and 'cute' animated video helped propel the track to number one in the UK charts the week before Christmas, single-handedly ruining the 2005 festive period for anyone with a discernible music taste.

  • 39. Hinder: 'Lips of an Angel' (2006) - Usually, a power ballad written by an artist from Oklahoma turns out to be a good song. That wasn't the case for Hinder, however, who managed to sound like they were single-handedly murdering music on their 2006 song 'Lips Of An Angel'. For fact fans, singer Joseph Lombardo wrote the track about an ex-girlfriend who, going on the strength of this rubbish, probably never decided to get back with him.

  • 38. Alexandra Burke: 'Hallelujah' (2008) - The worst thing about that glorified karaoke competition that is The X Factor is how it’s mangled public perception of what genuinely great singing is all about. Replacing feeling, phrasing and subtlety for a clinical display of technical excellence akin to an aural mugging, this relentlessly overblown scream-fest manages to make Leonard Cohen’s graceful hymn for love sound like some horrible, schmaltzy Celine Dion vehicle whilst also removing all meaning from the lyrics.

  • 37. Daniel Powter: 'Bad Day' (2005) – You've had a bad day Daniel? Think about the millions of people around the globe who've had their day ruined by your fucking abysmal song hurling its whiny self down their poor lugholes. Perhaps the only solace to be found with this brain-dead guitar ballad is the fact that Powter has spectacularly failed to replicate its success, with all subsequent singles sinking without a trace.

  • 36. Mika: 'Grace Kelly' (2007) – Number one for five dark weeks, Mika was almost omnipotent when this saccharine song, name-checking the legendary Hollywood actress, dominated the airwaves and charts in Britain two years back. Not a tribute song of sorts, it's actually a satire about musicians being manipulated by record labels. Our advise to Mika's label? Drop the idiot.

  • 35. DJ Casper: 'Cha Cha Slide' (2003) – Basically a line dance with called instructions by DJ Casper, 'Cha Cha Slide' is a work-out song made for fitness clubs that somehow got out of hand. Now, thanks to the 2003 dance remix, you can hear it at every wedding party or cheesy dance club around the globe. Lucky you.

  • 34. Eamon: 'Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)' (2004) – The diss track which savages Eamon's ex-girlfriend (what a lovely guy!) is in the Guiness Book of Records for being the song with the most expletives to reach number one. An R&B nightmare of colossal proportions, it's unimaginative, gimmicky and crass. The fact it spawned a retaliation track 'F.U.R.B (Fuck You Right Back)' by female singer Frankie rubs salt into the gaping wound. Fuck off, Eamon.

  • 33. Scouting For Girls: 'She's So Lovely' (2007) – The abysmal line "She's flirty, turned thirty, ain't that the age a girl gets really dirty?" cannot ever be excused, but couple that with the bedwetter vocals and insipid melodies and you get one of the worst excretions of indie-sleaze-pop ever created by mankind. An aural atrocity that somehow managed to penetrate the top ten of the UK charts, anyone who bought this song should hang their heads in shame.

  • 32. Creed: 'One Last Breath' (2002) - Scott Stapp and co. have recently reformed you'll be pleased to hear for a reunion tour and new album. Hurrah! If you need proof as to why this is the worst piece of news you're likely to hear all day, just take one listen to 'One Last Breath'. Post-grunge at its very worst, the four minutes of hell tells the story of a man desperately trying to cling onto life. Ironic considering many have questioned the point of living after listening to this song. Anyone seen my Prozac?

  • 31. The Script: 'The Man Who Can't Be Moved' (2008) – The Irish pop-rock trio have absolutely zero redeeming qualities. The type of mushy dross that the X Factor and Pop Idol generation aspire to be like, 'The Man Who Can't Be Moved' is a soulless, faux-emotional, gut-wrenchingly overproduced steaming turd of an indie-pop song. If Satan did exist and formed a band, this is what he'd sound like.

  • 30. David Hasselhoff: 'Jump in My Car' (2006) – The burger-munching alcoholic once made a name for himself in Germany after singing during the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989. An astonishing 15 albums later and he was back with 'Jump In My Car', which, thanks to a campaign from airhead TV presenter Scott Mills and The Scum newspaper, stormed to number 3 in the UK charts. A song that's a true throwback to the nightmarish days of the late eighties, it's devoid of comedy value and a completely pointless musical excursion.

  • 29. Sisqo: 'Thong Song' (2000) - Stupidly infectious? Yes. Good? Umm, no. Sisqo's 2000 mega-hit 'Thong Song' was one of those turn of the century tracks that, at the time, you probably subconsciously shook your booty to, but now find yourself shaking your head at in dismay. Taken from the rapper's album 'Unleash The Dragon', the song is nothing more than a ludicrous and misogynistic “celebration” of women wearing bikinis. You'll never guess what happened in the video.

  • 28. Westlife: 'Mandy' (2003) - Barry Manilow is an irksome man, but he has a (weird) showbiz charm that you can't really deny so, duly, his original version of 'Mandy' was a camp classic. Westlife, on the other hand, are a slimy bunch of Boyzone wannabes and their version is somewhat more anaemic, wet and painful. Never have the lines "Caught up in a world of uphill climbing, The tears are in my mind" seemed so relevant.

  • 27. Akon: 'Lonely' (2005) - In which the R&B star who gyrates with underage girls does a duet with Alvin and the Chipmunks. Well, not quite but you get the picture. Based around an annoying, impossibly high-pitched melody - actually a speeded up sample of Bobby Vinton's 1964 song 'Mr Lonely - Akon narrates a tale of loneliness that's tugged at the heartstrings of teenage girls around the globe. For the rest of us it left us gnawing at our knuckles.

  • 26. Aaron Carter: 'That's How I Beat Shaq' (2001) – A woeful pop tune by the then 13-year-old Aaron Carter. As the title suggests, the whole song is about how sub-5ft Carter beat the 7ft 1in legend Shaquille O'Neal in a basketball game by psyching him with tricks. Give us strength. Worse still, Shaquille O'Neal even provided guest vocals to the song, soiling his legendary reputation in the process. Argh!

  • 25. Black Eyed Peas: 'My Humps' (2005) – There are a shit-ton of atrocious Black Eyed Peas songs to choose from, but their signature tune 'My Humps' gets our vote. Basically a vehicle for Fergie to brag about her bodily assets (“My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps” - ARGH!) set to an awful tune, it's yet another astoundingly bad Black Eyed Peas effort.

  • 24. Britney Spears: 'If U Seek Amy' (2009) - Oh how saucy! When Britney sings "If you seek Amy" it sounds a bit like she's saying everyone wants to have sex with her! Give us strength. Lyrically, her lame attempt at controversy falls flat but if you couple this with the heavily auto-tuned, monotonous electro-tinged tune then voila!, you have one of the worst songs of the decade. Hopefully this will be the last we hear from Britney for a good while.

  • 23. S Club 7: 'Don't Stop Movin'' (2001) – Along with Steps, S Club 7 tormented the poor British public for years on either side of the Millennium. This is undoubtedly their nadir – an achievement considering their already debased standards. Featuring Bradley's infamous rap, the group hailed the song as their “coolest yet” and went on to sell 740,000 units in the UK alone. Scary.

  • 22. True Steppers & Dane Bowers ft. Victoria Beckham: 'Out Of Your Mind' (2000) - Victoria Beckham's first song away from the Spice Girls saw Posh team up with the garage production unit of the moment Truesteppers and some bloke called Dane Bowers. In order to hide the fact the track was crap, Beckham embarked on a rigorous publicity campaign to try and get the song to number one. But thankfully the British public spoke wisely and spent their pounds on Spiller's 'Groovejet' instead. That illusive number one spot has evaded Beckham ever since. Going on this auto-tuned effort, it's not hard to see why.

  • 21. The Jonas Brothers ft. Miley Cyrus: 'Before The Storm' (2009) - Those who like to keep an eye on the gossip mags will know that The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus's coming together on 'Before The Storm' was a big deal due to the Hannah Montana star's former relationship with Nick Jo-Bro. For those of you who aren't bothered (and that's probably most of you), don't worry you're not missing out. 'Before The Storm' was the kind of tacky teenage pop song that makes you wish a giant tornado had come and destroyed the studio it was being made in (preferably before it was completed).

  • 20. Justin Timberlake: 'I'm Loving It' (2003) - Six years ago Timberlake got into bed with the corporate beast that is McDonalds. Not only did he record and release this awful song (fortunately it failed to dent the charts), but Timberlake also provided the jingles for the fast food chain's adverts and in return McDonalds sponsored his sprawling North American tour. Nasty.

  • 19. Ricky Martin: 'She Bangs' (2000) - You're meant to think this is the sound of Latin passion as a South American hunk seduces you. But in reality 'She Bangs' is just the sound of sub-urban housewives trying to banish their bingo wings at hastily arranged salsa lessons in the local youth centre.

  • 18. DJ Aligator: 'The Whistle Song' (2008) – Basically four minutes of whistles with dodgy lyrics generic eurodance beats, this song is enough to turn anyone completely fucking insane. If you heard this song on your holidays in the summer of 2008, then it's likely it ruined it. The idiot can't even spell alligator too.

  • 17. Fergie: 'London Bridge' (2006) – The lead single from the Black Eyed Peas singer's solo effort is an embarrassment. Fergie herself described the song as “kind of like a punch in the face to let people know I'm coming out”. Errr, a savage beating more like. A lazy rip-off of Gwen Stefani at best, the song is so bad that Fergie even urinated ON STAGE while performing it in Australia. True story. For the music video too, Fergie posed in front of Tower Bridge in London too, seemingly failing to realise that it's not London Bridge.

  • 16. Jessica Simpson: 'A Public Affair' (2006) - The lead single from the airhead's album of the same name, 'A Public Affair' borrowed heavily from Diana Ross's 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough' – but not in a good way. Despite being described by one critic (who has since been locked up, we hope) as “maddeningly catchy”, the song's tacky-sounding electro was about as adventurous as the music created by Simpson's dull ex-husband Nick Lachey.

  • 15. Chico: 'It's Chico Time' (2006) - X Factor joker and ex-goat herder, Chico Slimane, became famous with his 'unique personality' and 'natural showman' skills on the show. In reality he came across like a twat. Being something of a maverick Chico wrote and performed his own song throughout The X Factor and then released it as a single when the show was over. The result is this monstrosity that unsurprisingly reached the number one spot.

  • 14. John Mayer: 'Your Body Is A Wonderland' (2001) - Famed for banging Jennifer Aniston and pulling disturbing sex faces whilst strumming his instrument, it's easy to forget that John Mayer has a side career in music. Until you listen to this song, that is, and the dreadful memories come flooding back. The acoustic ode is about as soppy as you can humanly get. Best find yourself another high profile girlfriend John so you can eke out your music career for all its worth.

  • 13. DJ Otzi: 'Hey Baby (Uuh Aah)' (2001) - This cheap and tacky Euro dance remix of the famous song was a surprise hit for the Austrian DJ Otzi in 2001. The song failed to achieve any great success in Austria, Germany and Switzerland but stormed to the top of the charts in the UK. The song was later re-released as an unofficial anthem for the 2002 England World Cup squad- unsurprisingly the team were knocked out in the Quarter Finals.

  • 12. Vengaboys ft. Cheekah: 'Cheekah Bow Bow (That Computer Song)' (2000) - A song packed with sexual innuendo in which a computer is personified and goes to a San Francisco club and contracts a virus through its joystick - "The doctor checked my hard drive, A virus in my archive, My disc was not protected and now I am infected". A bizarre concept for a song, but incredibly nowhere near as bizarre as the tune itself. Centred on the type of cheesy, naff eurodance beats the Dutch outfit were notorious for, the vocals are computerised and startlingly bad. Horrible stuff, I'd rather contract an STD than listen to this again.

  • 11. The Fast Food Rockers: 'The Fast Food Song' (2003) - Billed as a 'novelty' act from the offset, The Fast Food Rockers' label seemed to use this tag as an excuse for their abysmal music. But truly there's no forgiving this piece of aural genocide. The perpetrators of any song that's chorus rings %u201CMcDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut" deserve to be cast off into damnation forever.

  • 10. Geri Halliwell: 'It's Raining Men' (2001) What's worse than a Geri Haliwell song? Geri Haliwell covering The Weathergirls, that's what. This painfully weak rendition of the camp disco anthem only goes to highlight the strength of The Weathergirls' vocals and indeed the weakness of the former Ginger Spice's. To add insult to injury this song was taken from the Bridget Jones soundtrack and had a video which paid homage to Flashdance. Grim.

  • 9. Katie Price and Peter Andre: 'A Whole New World' (2006) – They deservedly topped Gigwise's worst albums of the decade countdown with the album of the same name, so duly the song itself takes its place on our list. An absolutely disgusting combination of Price's out-of-tune howling and Andre's repulsively sugary vocals, it's debatable whether you could call this mess music at all. A torture instrument, more like.

  • 8. Limp Bizkit: 'Behind Blue Eyes' (2003) - Fred Durst does thoughtful. By butchering The Who. It sounds about as convincing as Kim Jong Il telling starving North Koreans they’ve got it so much better than the rest of the world. Or, come to think of, the rest of the ‘Bizkit oeuvre. If there’s music in hell, it’s probably going to sound a lot like this.

  • 7. Nickelback: 'Rockstar' (2006) – This car-crash of a track proves two things: firstly, you don't have to write a good song – this one mocks the life of, er, a rockstar - to obtain a chart hit, and, secondly, you don't have to be able to sing it well either. Despite conquering charts across the globe, Kroeger still sounded like he was singing with a mouthful of grit on 'Rockstar', one of this decades biggest musical abominations. Not even a guest appearance from Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top could rescue it.

  • 6. The Cheeky Girls: 'The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)' (2003) - Disgusting fame seeking Transylvanian twins, The Cheeky Girls, burst onto the scene like shit on a wall in 2003. Even Pete Waterman recognised these two were rubbish and he made Rick Astley a star. Never before has repeatedly banging your head against a brick wall seemed more pleasurable than when this song is playing.

  • 5. Crazy Frog: 'Axel F' (2005) – It's probably fair to say that when Erik Wernquist created the Crazy Frog for a ringtone company in 2003 he probably didn't foresee that the stupid little creature would generate a number one single. But that's exactly what the frog did in 2005 with a cover of 'Axel F'. Even more annoying that the auto-tuned vocals of Britney Spears, the Crazy Frog's rendition featured his ear-splitting vocals super-imposed over the Beverly Hills Cop theme. It wasn't good and it wasn't imaginative - but it topped charts around the world. Go figure.

  • 4. Enrique Iglesias: 'Hero' (2001) - Did your boyfriend just dump you? Your pet bunny die? The blind orphan didn't get through on X Factor? Then listen to Hero by Enrique Ingelsias the blanket misery song for people with no hope in life. Worse, during Enrique's live performances he brings a fan onstage when he plays this song and serenades them before passionately kissing them in a creepy manner.

  • 3. Mariah Carey featuring Westlife: 'Against All Odds' (2000) – A coming together that you couldn't possibly dream up in your worst nightmares – egomaniac Mariah Carey and bedwetters Westlife covering a song by Phil FUCKING Collins. The end result? Yup, you've guessed it, a musical holocaust.

  • 2. James Blunt: 'You're Beautiful' (2005) – The song that propelled the helium voiced former army sergeant into model-shagging super stardom melted the hearts of millions around the globe. For those not inflicted with terrible music taste, however, it melted our poor brains and ear canals. A soppy, vacuous ballad with stalker-like lyrics, 'You're Beautiful' is a lesson in banal music.

  • 1. Crazy Frog featuring Baha Men: 'Who Let The Frog Out' (2005) - Sadism is defined as when one takes pleasure from another's pain but for a true definition pay a visit to whoever commissioned this song to be released. By taking two of the most annoying and unpopular songs of the decade and shoving them together like a crude Frankenstein's monster, 'Who Let The Frog Out' is a nasty and pointless piece of music that can only have been made so people could say “Oh look what someone has done” and then forgotten about it ten seconds later. Music for idiots made by idiots basically.

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