Featuring Katie Price and Peter Andre and more musical flops...
GIGWISE

11:42 10th September 2009

The first decade of the millennium has produced some classic albums. However, there have also been a smorgasbord of absolute howlers. As voted for by Gigwise writers, we present the 50 worst albums the noughties have spewed up. Be warned, as the countdown progresses there are some records that will make you take green...
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50. Oasis: 'Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants' (2000) - It may contain fan favourite 'Fuckin' In The Bushes', but even the most ardent of Oasis followers would struggle to argue that this is a good album. Painfully exposing Liam Gallagher's waning vocals, this record was the start of a rut for the Manchester band that many say continued until their split. This album also saw Liam Gallagher's first ever song released to the public and quite frankly, that's a big enough crime in itself.

49. Black Eyed Peas: 'The E.N.D' (2009) – We were hoping that this, BEPs' fifth full-length, would spell out the end for the group in more ways than one. Sadly, judging by their continued success, the record is likely to spark a new chart-conquering chapter in the band's life. It's still incredible to think that devoid of Fergie, Black Eyed Peas' first two albums back on the other side of the millennium were actually rather good.

48. Hard Fi: 'Once Upon a Time in the West' (2007) - From the ill-judged 'no cover art' to the awful one-dimensional songs, Hard-Fi's second album is a complete lesson in how to destroy your career in one swoop. The type of shallow, characterless indie that gives guitar music a bad name, this record is nothing short of a musical travesty.

47. Razorlight: 'Razorlight' (2006) - For 'America' alone, Johnny Borrell should be cast off into obscurity. Borrell is an egotist with the dress sense of a blind ballerina; he produced a mangled and insipid second album whilst testing the patience of every member of the band. 'Up all Night' had a gritty edgy feel to it, but this self-titled follow-up gladly put the preening singer back in his place; in the MOR. The slow descent into Shawadawaddy awaits them.

46. Scouting For Girls: 'Scouting For Girls' (2007) - With a name that sounds more like a troupe of sex offenders than a pop group, this trio took 2008 'by storm' with their offensively inoffensive music. Like a spoof of a dreadful pub group, the band went on to sell a staggering 700,000 copies of their album to idiots and spawning hits like 'She's So Lovely' and 'Elvis Ain't Dead'. Proof that literally anyone can become a success Scouting For Girls are inspiring in many ways, they inspire us to smash things and invent new ways of ear removal.

45. Daniel Powter: 'Daniel Powter' (2005) - Like the hip Canadian equivalent of Badly Drawn Boy (only without the good tunes and tea cosy), Daniel Powter emerged in 2005 with a debut album he obviously liked so much he named it after himself. Unfortunately for him, tracks like the dreary 'Bad Day' and 'Free Loop' exposed the record for what it really is: awful. The only thing we should be grateful for is that Powter's follow-up failed to reach the dizzy heights of his debut.

44. The Darkness: 'One Way Ticket To Hell... And Back' (2005) - Proof that a funny joke can wear very thin very quickly. Everybody loved The Darkness for a short period in 2003, but by 2005 the humble public's patience with the band was retreating faster than Justin Hawkins hairline. Tight catsuits, falsetto vocals and 80's metal riffs suddenly seemed even more ridiculous than they had and this album became the catalyst for the Lowestoft band's demise. The album features typical Darkness humour with tracks such as 'Dinner Lady Arms' and the fortuitous 'Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time'. Apparently the working title for this album was 'The Painstaking', presumably this was changed in fear of stating the blindingly obvious.

43. The Rasmus: 'Dead Letters' (2003) - Up until the release of 'Dead Letters' in 2003, Finland's The Rasmus had failed in their bid to cross over. That all changed, however, when they emerged from the studio armed with the gross sounds of lead single 'In The Shadows', which, remarkably, was lapped up by millions of people around the world. Presumably, unlike Gigwise readers, those millions all shared the unfortunate problem of bad music taste.

42. Queen & Paul Rodgers: 'The Cosmos Rocks' (2008) - There comes a point in a millionaire's life where surely they must admit that they are rich enough. Obviously Brian May needs money for his weekly perm, but by stomping on the legacy of Freddie Mercury with this awful 'meeting of minds' he risked alienating the existing and loyal fans of Queen and to top it off the new band line-up avec Paul Rodgers released this atrocious record. To add insult to injury the band performed album track 'C-Lebrity' on ITV1 cackfest Al Murray's Happy Hour in 2008. A moment of cringe-worthy television.

41. Guns N Roses: 'Chinese Democracy' (2008) - Nobody expected a masterpiece but to spend so long producing such a steaming pile of shit is almost hilarious. It is bereft of anything even resembling listenable music and is as charming as Axl Rose himself. Despite some relatively positive reviews from critics upon its initial release, 'Chinese Democracy' has aged as nicely as full fat milk left in direct sunlight for 12 months. An absolute stinker!

40. Kaiser Chiefs: 'Yours Truly, Angry Mob' (2007) - Employment was an album brimming with fun and energy that actually contained some reasonably likeable tunes. This was the social commentary album - in the words of Homer Simpson, “D’oh!”. A truly uninspired album that highlighted they lack of imagination, depth and ability to develop.

39. Mark Ronson: 'Version' (2007) - How to create a Mark Ronson song: Take one indie classic such as 'Just' by Radiohead or 'Stop Me...' by The Smiths and remove all charisma and edge. Now add bland and soulless vocals by the likes of Daniel Merriweather before drenching the mess with trumpets. If at any point you feel the mixture isn't right simply add more brass. Ronson isn't the devil incarnate but he certainly has the air of an underling to Satan. His MOR re-imaginings of hits have become huge musical currency in the UK sound-tracking boring peoples lives and infuriating anyone else who comes into contact. 'Version' is a terrible idea badly executed - the sooner we all forget this happened the better!

38. Puddle of Mudd: 'Life On Display' (2003) - Puddle of Mudd? Puddle of shit more like. As 2003's 'Life On Display' showed, there was an unfortunate problem in the music industry at the turn of the century that meant dire rock bands somehow managed to grace the mainstream. Thankfully, however, hindsight exposes this terrible flaw and allows us to add the US band's terrible album into our worst of the decade countdown.

37. Staind: 'Break The Cycle' (2001) Take the angst of nu metal and mix it with acoustic strumming and introspection and you come out with Aaron Lewis of Staind. The sight of his bald head peering over a guitar on stage with Fred Durst was a permanent fixture on the music TV channels in the early part of this decade with the hit 'Outside' sound tracking a thousand middle class tantrums. 'Break The Cycle' houses that song alongside the likes of 'Suffer', 'Take It' and 'Waste'- with such cheery song titles it's little wonder they didn't make it bigger.

36. Avril Lavigne: 'Let Go' (2002) - This debut album from the Canadian starlet sold 18 million copies worldwide so chances are someone you know has this in their collection – however, few could claim anything other than hormones for wanting to buy such a faux-angry album. The audio equivalent of a baby throwing its toys out of the pram, Avril caterwauls about boys and how unfair life is over a sub-Alanis Morrissette backing track for an agonising thirteen tracks. Luckily Avril's career has died a death in recent years to pave the way for fresh talent like Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and... Oh what's the point?

35. Nickelback: 'All The Right Reasons' (2005) - Aka the album which spawned 'Rockstar', one of the worst songs in the world. Normally that would be enough for inclusion on any worst albums list, but worse, 'All The Right Reasons' also features a whole succession of turgid sub-Grunge rubbish featuring the strained vocals of Sarah Jessica Parker, sorry- Chad Kroeger. In a career of awful music, Nickelback reached their nadir with this album.

34. The Twang: 'Jewellery Quarter' (2009) - Unless it was a genius plot to make their debut look good by comparison, there are no positives to be taken from this Birmingham band's woeful second album. With tracks like 'Barney Rubble' and 'Twit Twoo' it's hardly an intellectual head-scratcher either. You can't help but think 'Jewellery Quarter' will be the last we ever hear from The Twang.

33. Towers of London: 'Blood Sweat and Towers' (2006) – Amazingly, Towers Of London's debut album is worse than their shocking haircuts. An abysmal band and a shallow mock-rock album of epic proportions, Towers of London were so desperate for much-needed publicity in the wake of the record seismically failing that frontman Donny Tourette appeared on Celebrity Big Brother. He came across like a right dick, naturally.

32. Soulja Boy Tell 'Em: 'souljaboytellem.com' - Regarded by many reputable spources as the worst hip-hop album of all time (yes, even worse than some of Vanilla Ice's turkeys), 'souljaboytellem.com' earns its rightful place on our list. Lead single 'Crank That (Soulja Boy)' is indicative of the whole record, featuring awful rapping, self-obsessed lyrics and fucking annoying sound effects. A track that's so bad not even the steel drums can save it.

31. Limp Bizkit: 'Results May Vary' (2003) - Even when they were good, Limp Bizkit were awful, but in 2003 Fred Durst and co. exceeded themselves. 'Results May Vary' is a tragically optimistic title as the results on this album rarely vary, they start of turgid and fail to rise above average. This album was the band's first following the departure of guitarist Wes Borland. Open auditions were held for a replacement however the search proved fruitless and ex-Snot member Mike Smith was drafted into the group helping to craft this dud of an album. If you have doubts over the merits of 'Results May Vary' have a listen to the cover of The Who's 'Behind Blue Eyes' and tell us this isn't one of the worst moments of the decade.

30. Las Ketchup: 'Hijas del Tomate' (2002) – Off the back of the then omnipotent and world-conquering 'The Ketchup Song', the album the vile track was lifted off went on to shift an impressive 12million units. That's five million more than Radiohead's 'OK Computer' has ever sold. Where's the justice in this shallow, novelty pop loving world?!

29. Westlife: 'Allow Us To Be Frank' (2004) – What's worse than a normal Westlife album? Yup, you've guessed it! A Westlife album where they soil the legacy of music legends such as Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole by murdering their songs. Mercifully, at least the record failed to reach the top spot in the UK unlike its predecessors. Still tormenting us to this day, when are we going to finally see the back of Westlife?!

28. Tokio Hotel: 'Scream' (2007) – More famous for their god-awful haircuts than their music, Tokio Hotel are a classic case of ill-conceived style over substance. Riding on an unfathomable wave of teenage hype, the emo-pop German foursome have achieved astonishing success, mainly thanks to 'Scream' their debut album in English. Throughout the record Bill Kaulitz' purportedly emotional voice sounds lacks an iota of sincerity while the music is so clichéd it's enough to make you cringe in embarrassment.

27. Jennifer Lopez: 'Rebirth' (2005) – Shifting just 2million copies worldwide - a gargantuan flop by J.Lo's standards – 'Rebirth' is largely a collaborative effort between the singer and her current husband Marc Anthony. Unsurprisingly due to its turgid quality, the record failed to produce the huge hits Lopez is accustomed to. Duly, after second single 'Hold You Down' seismically bombed , third single 'Cherry Pie' was hastily dropped by the record label.

26. Robbie Williams: 'Rudebox' (2006) - In which Robbie Williams, the 'Fat dancer from Stoke', decided to make an album that includes indie rock covers, production by Mark Ronson and worst of all – FUCKING RAPPING! Robbie's skills on the mic are unlikely to keep Jay Z up at night as lines such as “Dance like you just won at the Special Olympics” and “Got no strings, but I think with my ding-a-ling” show. The album saw once successful Williams career take somewhat of a nosedive and whilst there is still interest in him amongst his hardcore following many believe 'Rudebox' to be the moment Robbie lost the majority of his fans. The album ends with a song called, 'Dickhead'. Very apt.

25. Lindsay Lohan: 'Speak' (2004) – If ever there was proof that LiLo needs to stick to the day job of acting in sugary, vacuous movies then it's 'Speak'. With tracks like 'First', the former Disney star tries to meld helium pop vocals with angsty guitars to abysmal effect. Tracks like 'Over' and 'Rumors' fare even worse. A record that's so bad, we even eagerly awaited the annoying advert breaks on Spotify as a breather while re-listening to it.

24. Mariah Carey: 'Charmbracelet' (2002) – The warbling diva surpassed even her lowly standards with this 2002 release. If any album on this countdown is intolerable enough to make you gnaw your knuckles hard enough to draw blood, then it's this musical nightmare. Worse still, acts like Jay-Z and Jadakiss soiled their names by co-writing and performing on tracks on the album.

23. Geri Halliwell: 'Scream If You Wanna Go Faster' (2001) - This yoga loving, narcissistic, vain ex-Spice Girls' second album is a worthy contender for our worst albums of the decade if only for the crime against the nations conscience that is 'It's Raining Men'. However, this album scrapes even more barrels and plumbs more depths than you may have thought humanly possible. Featuring timeless classics such as, 'Shake Your Bootie, Cutie', 'Lovey Dovey Stuff' and the most self-involved song ever 'Heaven and Hell (Being Geri Halliwell)' this record is a low point in a decidedly embarrassing career for Ginger Spice.

22. Alice Deejay: 'Who Needs Guitars Anyway?' (2000) - Fifty two minutes of pure and unadulterated Euro dance rubbish. This Dutch group rose to fame off the back of their hit single 'Better Off Alone' then went on to release this dreadful album in 2000. Though relatively successful both in the UK and USA, it was thankfully the only album Alice Deejay got to make as the band have now split up. You might not need guitars, but you do need good songs to get ahead and that's why Alice Deejay made one of the worst albums of the decade.

21. Ashlee Simpson: 'I Am Me' (2005) Obviously a fan of stating the obvious, this 2005 album from sister of Jessica, Ashlee Simpson is a low point in manufactured pop rubbish. Despite the fact she had embarrassed herself the year before with a shocking lip-synching incident this album was still recorded and released to little or no fan fare. Simpson is now married to Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz – I wonder if they ever compare their dodgy musical histories?

20. Kelly Osbourne: 'Changes' (2003) –Thanks to her fame from MTV reality show The Osbournes, Ozzy and Sharon's daughter launched an ill-fated pop career in 2002 releasing the abysmal album 'Shut Up' featuring her terrible cover of Madonna's 'Papa Don't Preach'. The album duly flopped but a year later she had the audacity to re-release it under a new title named after her sickly, soppy duet with her dad Ozzy 'Changes'! The inclusion of the song as a bonus track made the record even worse than the original. A complete turkey.

19. James Blunt: 'Back To Bedlam' (2004) - While 'Back To Bedlam's' multi-million album sales have brought James Blunt glamorous girlfriends and a hideaway in Ibiza, for the rest of us it's meant having to live in a world where the former army man's pre-pubescent voice is inescapable. For those who can't remember (and, if you can't, you're VERY lucky), this is the album that unleashed 'You're Beautiful' to the masses. Not even production from Linda Perry can save this from being one of the worst albums of the decade.

18. Jessica Simpson: 'Do You Know' (2008) - Jessica Simpson's fifth studio album was the singer's first to embrace her roots in country music – and what a terrible idea that turned out to be. It may have gone to number one, but, proving that they're sometimes right, the critics were united in their hatred for it. Unfortunately, however, not only did Simpson embrace country like a duck to an oil slick, but she also managed to tarnish to career of country legend Willie Nelson when she appeared in one of his videos in a bid to promote it.

17. Craig David: 'Born To Do It' (2000) - This debut album from Southampton's Craig David was a massive commercial success on its release in 2000. However, this defies the fact that it is a relentless and unforgivably self indulgent mess. In fact it's an ultra-creepy account of how good Craig David supposed is with the ladies including the now infamous '7 Days'. Despite his one time mega-fame Craig David is deemed somewhat of a joke nowadays thanks largely to a spoof of him on the TV show Bo' Selecta. And rightly so.

16. Insane Clown Posse: 'Bizzar'/'Bizaar' (2000) - Not content with inflicting one record upon our poor ears, Insane Clown Posse released two records on the very same day. Incredibly, both were as pathetic as each other. So desperate were the masked mock-rappers to spark some interest in the albums that the inside sleeves featured 3D images which you could look at with a free set of 3D glasses!

15. Celine Dion: 'Taking Chances' (2007) – You have to wonder how bad an album is when the collector's edition comes with its own perfume. This was the incentive Celine Dion gave her fans with the release of 'Taking Chances' in 2007. And while her loyal followers lapped it up – and presumably sprayed it on – those with a more astute taste in music were left to wonder just what had happened to Canada's most famous female singer. Now, if only it could have sunk like the Titanic.

14. Gareth Gates: 'What My Heart Wants To Say' (2003) - The hugely popular Pop Idol winner overcame a speech impediment and released a spate of number one songs before ruining his career in one fell swoop by shagging Katie Price. In the midst of all this he released this. A ghastly collection of mostly cover versions, it's nauseating to the point of retching up the lining of your stomach - especially that 'Unchained Melody' cover. A truly horrible aural experience.

13. Rik Waller: 'From Now' (2002) – The obese Pop Idol contestant with an equally gargantuan ego never made it past the top ten of the reality show, but somehow managed to release two albums. Yes two. This, the heavyweight's debut, featured his turgid version of 'I Will Always Love You' and, worse, his take on 'Something Inside So Strong'. The airbrushing on the album cover alone warrants a place on this countdown. After appearing on Celebrity Fit Club a few years back, Waller has now disappeared into obscurity.

12. Enrique Iglesias: 'Escape' (2001) - “You can be my hero baby,” squeals Enrique on 'Escape's' chart-topping ubiquitous single 'Hero' which shot to the top of the UK and global charts in 2001. High sales and milking your relationship with Tennis star Anna Kournikova by bunging her in one of your videos isn't enough to stop 'Escape' from taking its place on Gigwise's worst albums of the decade.

11. Daphne & Celeste: 'We Didn't Say That!' (2000) – They were famously bottled off at Reading Festival in 2000 appearing on a bill alongside metal acts. For some reason some NME journalists used to like them too, but since when have they had a decent music taste? Featuring the musical abomination of 'Ooh Stick You', fortunately the record-buying public wised up to the awfulness of Daphne & Celeste and ignored 'We Didn't Say That!' making it an immediate flop. Hurrah!

10. Vanilla Ice: 'Bi-Polar' (2001) - An album that's so bad it''s laughable. Seriously check it out and you'll piss yourself. Still trying desperately to live off the success of 'Ice Ice Baby', Mr Van Winkle put out a string of albums on his own imprint (after record labels refused to sign him) and this, 'Bi-Polar', is easily the worst of the bunch. One-half cliched rock music, the other lame rap, not even a guest slot from Chuck D was enough to save this from bargain bins.

9. Victoria Beckham: 'Victoria Beckham' (2001) - No it wasn't a bad dream, Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice, aka vacuous fake-titted airhead, genuinely did release a solo album. Despite lacking the charisma, vocals or talent to actually be a force in music, Mrs David Beckham released this record. The only thing we can be grateful for is that she omitted the number two hit 'Out Of Your Mind' featuring Dane Bowers. If you ever feel like complaining about the quality of music at the moment then just thank your lucky stars it's no longer the year 2001.

8. The Cheeky Girls: 'Party Time' (2004) - A true low point in British pop music these two Transylvanian sisters first appeared on reality TV show Popstars: The Rivals where they did not make it beyond the first round. Even judge Geri Halliwell thought they were rubbish. This did not deter the band nor the major label vultures however and spying a chance to make a quick buck the Cheeky Girls were handed a record deal and went into the studio to record this dreadful album. Written by the girls Mother this album contains the now infamous 'Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)'. Most staggeringly of all is that 'Party Time' reached number 14 in the album charts and sold over a million copies.

7. Paris Hilton: 'Paris' (2006) - In which Paris Hilton revealed her love of My Bloody Valentine and early Bob Dylan. OK, not really, this self titled album is in fact a horrendous, manufactured piece of pop diarrhoea that was forgotten almost as soon as it was released. Nobody knows the true horror of Paris's voice as it was hidden under a mountain of studio trickery which makes her come out sounding even more cold and dead than normal. No mean feat. The only good thing that came from this release was that it sprang Banksy into action. The guerilla artist replaced Hilton's CD with his own remixes and gave them titles such as 'Why Am I Famous?', 'What Have I Done?' and 'What Am I For?' He also changed pictures of her on the CD sleeve to show the US socialite topless and with a dog's head.

6. Chris Cornell: 'Scream' (2009) - So you were the lead singer in Soundgarden then went on to front a band consisting of ex-members of Rage Against The Machine - a pretty solid CV most people would agree. So why of why did Chris Cornell feel the need to record this dreadful album with Timbaland? The sound of two men who have fallen so far from their respective perches that they can only work together, 'Scream' is an auto-tuned painful mid-life crisis of an album that Nine Inch Nails' Trent Reznor hilariously mocked online.

5. Kevin Federline: 'Playing With Fire' (2006) - Apparently being married to Britney Spears is now an in to the music industry. K-Fed's 2006 album 'Playing With Fire' is widely regarded as the worst album of the decade with the lowest average mark on reviews aggregator Metacritic. Chances are, however, it is only the critics that have heard the album as it flopped in the States reaching the very low position of 151 in the charts.

4. brokeNCYDE: 'I'm Not A Fan... But The Kids Like It' (2009) – Easily the worst band to emerge this decade, the New Mexico crunk outfit are the aural equivalent of rubbing a cheese grater on your manhood. Or sandpaper even. Honestly, there are barely words in the dictionary to describe how horrible this record is. How any kids like these is truly beyond us.

3. Crazy Frog: 'Crazy Hits' (2005) - Now we at Gigwise don't often use the word 'cunt', but it's truly the only word to suit this little green, animated urchin. Originally dubbed The Annoying Thing by its creators (The Annoying Cunt would have been more apt), the Crazy Frog was first used for mobile phone ringtones but indicative of how brain-dead the masses are he went on to spawn (ahem) a huge pop career. A collection of cover versions that's so bad, it could actually be used as a torture instrument.

2. The Jonas Brothers: 'A Little Bit Longer' (2008) - The world's citizens - well, those under the age of 13 - stopped in their tracks when The Jonas Brothers released 'A Little Bit Longer' in 2008 such was the anticipation for its release. Well, it's just a shame that the world didn't blow up as well, because that would have eradicated the possibility of further releases from these three self-confessed virgins, whose voices are so high-pitched they manage to make James Blunt sound like Barry White.

1. Katie Price & Peter Andre: 'A Whole New World' (2006) - The covers record by the attention-seeking, vacuous airhead Katie and Peter (we won't use such harsh words for Andre, he's actually a bloody nice bloke) is sheer musical genocide. Okay the ill-fated couple donated proceeds to charity, a very nice sentiment, but surely there's easier ways to raise funds that to inflict aural torture on the masses? Maybe even dig deep into their own pockets. Their soppy out-of-tune version of the title track is easily one of the worst songs ever recorded to boot.