We know how much it hurts - we all need help
Andrew Trendell

17:16 28th June 2016

 That misery is upon us all once againGlastonbury is over for another year, while the halcyon memories of wandering through the green, green fields of Worthy Farm dance around your deliriously sleep-deprived mind, you are paralysed by a very particular type of sadness - the Post-Glastonbury Blues. 

There's no condition quite as crippling as this. Legend has it that is in fact the haunting of a ghost druid from the Stone Circle who passed centuries ago, vowing to take vengeance all who pass by in revenge for not telling him about that day's secret set. 

- More: See our review of the 19 best moments of Glastonbury 2016 here

The glee felt by that first shower when arriving home was matched by the melancholy of realising that you were washing the last traces of Worthy Farm from your being. So, let us all weep together - here are 31 surefire signs and symptoms that you're suffering from the post-Glastonbury Blues. 

1. You now feel an almighty, maternal bond to this woman - and are now wondering why your own mother doesn't swear like a trooper...

2. Or, if you were at The Other Stage, even hearing the drum intro to 'Blue Monday' in Tesco makes you lose your shit and tear apart the confectionary isle...

3. You are totally unable to navigate your way around the real world without using flags as a point of reference

4. Regardless of your gender or sexual persuasion, you're a little bit in love with Jeff Lynne's incredibly talented violininst. She made all of the hangovers go away. 

5. You miss the feeling of being surrounded by people who were predominantly anti-Brexit, and the People's Republic Of Glastonbury was a separate world that still felt like Europe. 

6. You've grown quite attached to the advanced civilisation of insects living in your hair. They have developed tools, and are already working on democracy. We're curious to see what they build with all of the glitter still to be found all about your person. 

7. You are repulsed by all fluids that are not cider left to warm up in a tent for four days

8. You are constantly on edge, expecting a secret set at any given moment. Still, you'll believe anything you are told - even though you know, deep down, that Radiohead are not coming. 

9. You can't blink or close your eyes without falling asleep, you dream of walking up to The Park Stage in the sun, before the waking realisation that you're no longer at Glastonbury reduces you to tears.

10. You almost spoke to a stranger on the train, just because you thought they were wearing a Glastonbury wristband. The real world is not quite so friendly.

11. You have forgotten how to walk on firm ground or concrete, knowing only the boggy marshes of Worthy Farm. 

12. However, the mud has given your lower body one hell of a work out. You now have the legs of a horse. 

13. But your response to even the most adverse of weather conditions is just to glitter up and style it out

14. You were invited on a night out, but refuse to go because it doesn't look like this

15. In fact, you refuse to go anywhere unless you're with the people who surrounded you during 'All My Friends' by LCD Soundsystem

16. You can't even contemplate the idea of going to work, as you might as well be going to the moon

17. You are overcome with fury when you see online criticism from people who weren't even there. 

18. You thought you heard someone say 'Coldplay' on the bus, to which you either replied with 'YOU WERE NOT THERE - IT WAS MAGIC' or 'LCD Soundsystem, mate'.

19. You've spent so much time at Shangri-La, you now have absolutely no inhibitions whatsoever.

20. If you were lucky enough to catch Charlotte Church's incredible secret set by The Rabbit Hole on Sunday night, you are overcome with a crippling frustation that absolutely no one will believe how life-changingly awesome it was

21. You don't realise that your love of kerrr-azzehhh headwear is not appropriate in normal society

22. You have never experienced a freedom quite like that of not having to wear your wellies today

23. You do not realise it yet, but all of your Facebook friends and Instagram followers who were not at Glastonbury all despise you

24. Your senses are screwed up from the trenchfoot received after Friday's epic downpour...

25.... and the unfortunately timed perfect sunshine when you left on Monday

26. You were served a meal that was not presented to you in a napkin, and you did not know what to do with yourself.

27. You still queue for the toilet, and take a deep look down inside to check that everything is safe

28. In moments of silence, you reward yourself with some Muse-inspired air guitar

29. You drew your curtains this morning, bursting with anticipation, but had a mini emotional breakdown when you did not see this view:

30. You've received a warning after bringing down too many police rescue helicopters with your remaining flares

31. You are never cutting off your wristband, and the only thing keeping you sane is the promise of going next year

Photo: WENN