People who frequently ask themselves, “Am I toxic?” believe that everything that happens to and around them is a consequence of their actions. Let’s debunk this myth once and for all: There is nothing wrong with you. Other people also have free will and independent thinking, thanks to which they make their life decisions.

It’s amazing that you want to self-reflect on whether you or your relationships could be potentially toxic. In order to do this, you have to ask yourself the right questions. These questions will help you sort certain things in your head: answer them honestly, but also with self-compassion.

Am I Toxic? 10 Questions to Find Out

Trigger warning: We use the word ‘toxic’ because it’s a general term for certain behaviors and feelings. We don’t try to shame or oversimplify. Being toxic, whether it’s you or your partner, doesn’t necessarily mean ill intentions. Refer to a mental health specialist for more psychoeducation.

Instructions for the test:

• Answer these yes/no statements privately, when you’re in a good mood and don’t experience emotional distress.
• Answer questions from the “Am I Toxic?” test honestly.
• Try to keep accountability and objectivity of your actions, not trying to justify yourself.

Am I toxic? Self-Test

1. I’m not happy when someone close to me achieves something.
2. I often blame my failures and mistakes on circumstances or other people.
3. I have a problem with almost everybody I know.
4. I don’t like responsibility.
5. I make positive compliments or comments only when it benefits me.
6. I am easily irritated and cannot manage my anger.
7. It’s hard for me to accept apologies and not hold grudges.
8. I complain a lot.
9. I find other people’s problems much easier than mine.
10. I feel as though I am secretly the smartest, most humble, or most interesting person in the room.

Your Results

If several of these statements feel familiar, it does not automatically mean you are a “toxic person” or that you act with bad intentions. More often, these patterns reflect unregulated stress responses or unmet emotional needs rather than cruelty or malice.

There are multiple reasons that trigger such coping mechanisms, such as negative experiences in childhood, low self-esteem, underdeveloped emotional intelligence, relationships with a narcissistic person, mental health conditions, etc.

That said, intent does not erase impact. Even self-protective behaviors can hurt others. The important takeaway is awareness: noticing these tendencies gives you the chance to interrupt them.

What to Do If I Have Toxic Traits

• Slow down your reactions. Yes, irritability and self-defense happen much faster than you can consciously think about your reactions. If you can’t pause to control your irritation or aggressiveness, try to think about your reactions afterwards with the next step.
• Take responsibility for things you said/did. Apologize or offer to discuss a conflict with your significant other. Accept their perspective and don’t view it as your personal flaw.
• Identify what the behavior is protecting. For example, envy can point to wounded self-worth. Defensiveness can mask fear of failure. Complaining may signal burnout. Journal or try therapy to figure out why you have these protective mechanisms.
• Replace self-judgment with curiosity. Shaming yourself for “toxic” traits tends to reinforce them. Be curious about your reactions and try to experiment with them instead of just accepting that “you’re a bad person.” You’re not.
• Use support. There’s no shame in seeking support in therapy, friends, or your partner. Admit that you’re on a self-improvement journey and you might need external input sometimes.

Am I in a Toxic Relationship? 10 More Questions for Self-Reflection

Having periods of highs and lows is completely normal for long-term relationships. Vice versa, not every toxic relationship looks dramatic or obviously abusive.

To complete this self-test, follow the same instructions:

• Take the test when you’re in good mental and physical spirits.
• Answer the question honestly, even if it is uncomfortable.
• Don’t try to justify/blame yourself or your partner; stand on the side of objectivity.

Am I in a Toxic Relationship? Self-Test

1. Do I feel relief or sadness when I imagine my future without my current partner?
2. Do I feel secure and safe around my partner?
3. Does my partner make me feel valued, loved, and supported most of the time?
4. When I think about bad things in our relationships, are they single incidents or have they become a pattern that’s almost predictable?
5. Can I fully be myself around my partner?
6. Do I have to hide certain parts about myself to be able to stay in relationships?
7. Do we share similar values and life goals, or are we moving in different directions?
8. Am I staying in these relationships out of love and commitment or out of fear of loneliness and starting from scratch?
9. If nothing changed in this relationship, would I be content staying in it for the rest of my life?
10. What does my gut say about this relationship?

Your Results

If your answers revolved around sadness with your partner, it may indicate that your relationship can harm both of you. It doesn’t mean that you or your partner are abusers or made an unfixable mistake. It’s something totally different.

Certain dynamics, also known as “toxic,” emerge when two people’s needs, attachment styles, or emotional capacities don’t align. A relationship can become harmful without anyone consciously trying to hurt the other.

Toxic habits can grow out of fear, past relationship wounds, or early experiences where love felt conditional.

What matters most is not assigning blame but noticing whether both of you are ready to work hard on the relationship. When at least one of you isn’t ready for this type of work, that information is worth taking seriously.

What to Do If My Relationships Are Toxic

Realizing that a relationship may be toxic can bring grief, confusion, and self-doubt. Don’t try to rush with important decisions. Try these things first:

• Pay attention to repeated habits, not single episodes. Occasional conflict happens in healthy relationships. Toxicity shows up when the same issues repeat and distress becomes predictable.
• Stop minimizing your experience. If you regularly feel anxious, drained, confused, or smaller in the relationship, these feelings are not overreactions. Make sure to bring them up in conversations with your partner. If they don’t listen, it tells you a ton.
• Set boundaries before explanations. You don’t need to convince your partner that your needs are valid. Boundaries are about what you will and won’t participate in. They shouldn’t be aimed at changing your significant other.
• Notice whether repair is possible. Healthy dynamics means that both of you are accountable for problems and are willing to work on them.
• Strengthen support outside the relationship. Isolation makes toxicity harder to see clearly. Trusted friends, therapy, or support communities can help restore perspective.

Understanding that your relationships might be toxic doesn’t always lead to immediate decisions. But it gives you the power to make a choice. When you see the dynamic clearly, you can decide whether to repair or leave when it’s the healthiest next step.

What “Toxic” Actually Means

“Toxic” is not a diagnosis or a personality type. It’s a descriptive word people use when something in a relationship consistently causes emotional harm, distress, or imbalance. What else about “toxicity” is worth knowing:

• Nothing is objectively toxic in every context. A behavior that feels manageable for one person can feel deeply destabilizing for another.
• The most important matter is safety. Emotional and physical safety matter more than labels, intentions, or how much love exists. If you feel afraid to speak, to be yourself, or to experience emotional/physical abuse, it’s worth reconsidering your current relationships.
• Good intentions don’t cancel harmful impact. Someone can care, love, or try their best and still participate in patterns that hurt you. Harm doesn’t require malice to be real.
• Conflict itself is not toxic. Disagreements and difficult conversations are part of healthy relationships. But they should resolve or have compromised, not be left out.
• Familiar pain can feel safer than the unknown. Many people stay in unhealthy dynamics not because they enjoy them, but because even pain is less scary than the unknown outside the relationships.

You are allowed to trust your experience. You don’t need outside permission, dramatic proof, or a perfect explanation to take your feelings seriously. If a relationship repeatedly costs you your peace, self-respect, or sense of self, that matters. Period.