Most of us have dealt with toxic behaviour at some point, whether it’s in the workplace, at university or in our personal lives. These interactions can leave us feeling drained, anxious and questioning our self-worth.

Recognising and addressing toxic behaviour is crucial for maintaining mental and emotional well-being. But what exactly constitutes toxic behavioural patterns? What impact do these common behaviours have, and what are some good strategies to stop them?

Common Toxic Behaviours

Toxic behaviours come in a range of shapes and sizes, from things you have likely heard of, like gaslighting and passive aggression, to emotional invalidation or constant disrespecting of boundaries. To constitute a toxic pattern, these behaviours must be pervasive, recurring and harmful. Here are examples of just a few common toxic behavioural patterns:

Gasslighting

This is a form of manipulation and psychological control where a person causes another to question their own perceptions, memory, or reality.

The term came from the 1938 play Gas Light, where a husband fiddles with the gas lights and denies it, causing his wife to doubt her own sanity. It typically involves tactics like denying, minimising emotions or blaming to confuse and manipulate the victim. For instance, telling someone “You’re too sensitive” or “That never happened” to invalidate legitimate concerns. It’s often linked to abusive relationships, but it can happen in any situation, such as workplaces or friendships.

Passive-Agressiveness

Of course, all pathological aggression is toxic. However, passive aggression can often go unseen by outside observers while having incredibly detrimental effects on the victim. Constant backhanded comments, silent treatment or sarcasm can erode self-esteem and even increase reports of anxiety.

Emotional Invalidation

Emotional invalidation is when someone dismisses, ignores or undermines another person’s feelings, making them feel their emotions are unimportant or wrong. It can be overt, like saying “You’re overreacting,” or subtle, like ignoring someone’s distress. This behaviour often stems from discomfort with emotions or a desire to control the narrative. For the victim, it can lead to self-doubt, lowered self-esteem and anxiety, doubting the legitimacy of their own feelings.

Chronic invalidation can have pervasive effects on emotional control and faith in relationships, with research linking it to conditions like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), especially when the invalidator is a role model, like a parent, in childhood.

Manipulation

This is less of a specific toxic behaviour and more of an overarching pattern that drives a large proportion of specific behaviours. The psychology of manipulation has long been studied. Freud viewed toxic control as the need for individuals to fulfil their own unconscious needs, often rooted in unresolved childhood conflicts or a fear of vulnerability. This is a good example of the interplay between the id, ego and superego, but a massive oversimplification of Freud’s extensive study on power and control, loosely linked to Nietzsche’s ‘will to power.’

17th-century psychologists and philosophers aside, the modern view on toxic manipulation focuses on both the innate desire for power rooted in insecurity and manipulation as a behaviour that is rewarded and therefore reinforced.

You may have heard of operant conditioning, or the learning of new behaviours based on their consequences. In essence, the frequency of a behaviour changes based on whether or not it is rewarded. If manipulative behaviours are rewarded, like gaining compliance, control, attention or avoiding accountability, they are more likely to be repeated. This is operant conditioning in action: behaviour shaped by its consequences.

Say someone who uses emotional outbursts or guilt (“You never care about me unless I’m upset!”) to control a partner’s actions. If the partner consistently responds by giving in or soothing them, the manipulative behaviour is positively reinforced. This can build a pattern where the manipulator learns to lash out like this to get what they want, because the manipulated is enabling it.

Recognising Toxic Behavioural Patterns

The examples we just gave paint the picture, but the real world is often a lot more murky; besides, it can be very difficult to know when you are being manipulated, or rewarding maladjusted behaviour. Key signs are feeling tired or drained after interacting with someone, or noticing that the toxic person constantly puts themselves at the centre of things.

Often, those around us, like friends, family or colleagues, see what is happening, but it takes insight, understanding and good communication. Having good people around you is a great psychological shield and early warning system. If you find yourself hiding a new partner or friend from people you know and respect, ask yourself why.

At the same time, most people are not pathologically toxic; we all have bad days, say mean things, make sarcastic comments from time to time, or emotionally guilt our loved ones. The human experience is complicated and hard to navigate. It is when the toxicity becomes learnt/ingrained/systematic, rewarded, or part of personality that it constitutes a problem.

If you, or someone you know, is struggling to break toxic patterns, there is plenty of help out there, from psychologists, to doctors and counsellors with the requisite Graduate Diploma in Psychology. These professionals are trained to help both those struggling themselves and the victims of pathological behaviour with highly effective therapeutic methods.

The Impact of Toxic Behaviour

Toxic behaviours affect the person doing them, those around them and their long-term relationships with others. Using manipulation or abuse to get your way can work, but it is not an adaptive strategy in the long run. Toxic people often surround themselves with ‘enablers,’ or “flying monkeys,” who do their bidding, spreading rumours of manipulating others on their behalf.

This spiral of toxicity can be stopped, it just takes people to say no or simply avoid the toxic individual. Setting boundaries, seeking professional support and talking to trusted friends are all great steps to take.

Moving Beyond Toxic Behaviour

In some cases, the most powerful tool is avoidance. It is not your duty to befriend or fix a toxic colleague, or constantly listen to a friend who complains about others, or always has a new story about unfair treatment.

Remember, toxic behaviour does not exist in a vacuum: it thrives in environments where it’s enabled. Staying critical and trusting your intuition is key, or as Abraham Maslow put it, be independent of the good opinion of other people.