Friday 13/09/02 Ella Guru, Simple Kid @ The Masque, Liverpool

So there I was mindin my own business shootin at shit out the back, you know tins, bottles…. cats, the freakin neighbours, when brrrring brrrring goes the phone, surely you mean ring ring Spoff, no no no ciderdick, my phone got a speech impediment Ok and I don't wanna hear about it anymore, ****in phone embarrisin me in front of y'all. "Hey Spoff dude got a mission for ya", "I'm not interested Andy dude I thought I told ya, no more missions I'm through with that game, I'm goin straight, I aint pushin none of that here shit onto any of them here kids no more cracker stain. I WANT OUT!!" "But this is big Spoff dude", "how big?" "big", "Ok I'm like in if it's big, BUT ONLY IF IT'S REAL ****ING BIG SHRIMPTITS!!!"

Go to the Masque theatre and make contact with Barfly were my instructions. On your arrival you will meet with Ella Guru and a Simple Kid. Mickey Rourke, a strange mystical preacher and a mentally unstable 6 year old. Hmmmmm, Andy was right I thought, this is big, but what was this one all about, country rock, glam metal, that Liverpool psychedelic nonsense that I was like sick of before it happened and right now real close to dealing with personally. I just didn't know what to expect but then again does anyone really know what to expect?? I MEAN REALLY KNOW??

"Ella Guru is it you?" Ok it's a cheap gag, but like not as cheap as a go on your mom, capiche, hey where's my drum roll! Now I've been to some quiet places but this was like the quietest of like the quietest places ever, Ella Guru had made sure of that. Hear a pin drop, you could. Hear a gnat entering his wife, a well lubed wife at that! I was half expecting that Icelandic pixie to turn up and start 'shushin' and it's 'oh so quietenin' everyone, but happily we were spared that demented ****ing dwarf.

Ella Guru whispered on with their set and man this was a real 'hush-hush' affair. I didn't even risk asking Mr Newman whether he fancied another soda in case I was heard by the band or spoilt the ambience of the room, although this didn't seem to bother some drunken weasel who kept walking in and out unaware of his recent induction into the 'worlds biggest ****ing asshole club'.

Now I hate using band names to describe to people what other bands sound like, there are enough words in the English language to ensure that this doesn't happen but I'm like really hard pushed, you know upstairs, you know a bit slow, you know a bit ****ing stoopid, so I'll just throw some at ya! Imagine Neil Young with Portishead as his backing band and you have a loose, that's loose, idea of their style and sound. You can't however pin Ella Guru down. To 'Pigeon-hole' them would be to do them a great disservice. They look like no one else, sound like no one else, indeed are like no one else, bottom line, they need to be seen to be understood dudes, words alone don't do these quiet dudes justice.

What is also evident is a real sense of unity amongst the members of Ella Guru, It's almost like being confronted by a fourteen legged, fourteen armed, fourteen eyed, big huggable music monster and not a 'seven-piece' ensemble of cornets and guitars to mention but just two of the instruments on display. My point you may ask, they work together, at no time do any of the members overplay or battle for supremacy. Each little Guru seems happy to paint their little corner of the canvas, before eventually meeting somewhere in the middle to all agree on what a fine painting they have created. This monster has no master, it don't need one dudes, everyone knows what they are there for and what they are supposed to do, oversized ego's don't seem to exist in the world of Ella Guru, highly refreshing in a town populated by talentless ego's and back slapping money men.

Their songs are quite simply breathtaking, gorgeous vocal harmonies, think Ryan Adams and Emmie Lou Harris and a hat full of eerie shimmering sounds make up what is fundamentally Ella Guru. I draw similarities in their approach, to that of the Beach Boys, it's meticulously planned, superbly written and arranged, coupled with expert execution. These songs were not written over an eight pack and a selection of hard drugs, no no my friends, try eight months and a whole load of hard work. That's not to say that Ella Guru sound anything like the Beach Boys, cos they don't, so if you if you wanna go 'SURFIN USA' you come to the wrong place dudes, try the docks!

Ella Guru's next gig is on Thursday 19th September @ the Picket, Spoff will be there people but not for business dudes, this ones strictly personal.

With the majority of the crowd here to see Ella Guru, this coulda been a tough gig for Simple Kid. I know that a lot of us were thinking "Who or what are Simple Kid?" Then, a floppy haired golfer ambled onto the stage. "Here we go", I thought. I've heard Lee Trevino's solo album, and let me tell ya, it's a double bogie! This guy had a flying v though, no sign of freakin woods or irons here. So this dude pressed play on a drum machine, and started singing to us, a song about having a cancer in his soul, this dude seemed pretty pissed. Mid song, with the leaden drum track his only backing, he introduced himself as Simple Kid. He didn't appear too happy though, partly due to the less than jammed to the rafters venue, but mainly due to Willie Nelson appearing in adverts for Gap. "Doesn't this guy know that Willie owes the IRS big?" was what I was thinkin. I was also thinkin "What the hell is this guy on?" as his band joined him.

A truck driving drummer playing the most amazing collection of synth drums I've heard since ZZ Top discovered Pigeon Street in the 80's. Nigel Tufnell appeared to be playing bass. There was a guy playing the most distorted acoustic guitar I've ever heard - it was dirtier than Uncle Cleatus' bedtime stories if you know what I mean! Putting the cherry on the icing on the cake was the keyboard player who kept us entertained while Simple Kid tuned up with the theme from the Muppets, and had a top class tux to boot!

"Anything could happen here", thought the Spoffster, and nearly everything did. Simple Kid and his excellent band threw in style after style, from the T Rex quoting debut single 'I Am Rock', through country, electropop, some heavy rock, a dab of the Kinks and topped it all off with some wicked post modern lyrics. Simple Kid need to release their album as soon as possible, cause Spoff needs it in his CD player!

Dudes, where were you people tonight? Ella Guru gave us the mellow, and then Simple Kid rocked the joint. You missed it man, you missed it!