Wednesday 13/11/02 Junk Culture, Audiogene, Four Star Mary @ Barfly, Liverpool

Apparently I gotta be professional, ya know deal with you guys in bands like your ****ing children, **** that, if you can't take shit off a two bit punk like me get a job at Wal Mart or go back to school. Leave your guitars at the door, I'll be happy to keep them for ya when you can deal with the fact that you're not very good or come back able to ****ing play them, ok, time for tonight's victims!!

****, what a shame, these guys rock. If they were from London the A&R cocksuckers would be following them like woodworm behind the McCartneys. They remind me of Pearl Jam, but not that 'Even Flow' escapade of the early 90's, I'm talkin about the more thoughtful structured noise of the Jam's latest album offering. The singer looks totally the part as do his servants of noise although I'm left feeling slightly uneasy from the start that these guys aint gonna get a chance in this city no matter how good they are. Hey Spoff just do the review dude and stop spazzing off.....**** NO! This needs to be said. So many Liverpool bands go on and on and on (get my point) about how rock music has enhanced their very existence, Hendrix, Zepplin, yet people are too ashamed or fake to admit that great rock bands who carried on the rock belief such as Van Halen, Bon Jovi and Guns and Roses in short American rock bands, (get over an image and listen to them ****ing play) are credible enough to ****ing sound like em!!!!!! Junk Culture don't have that "I'm from Liverpool" tag about them, they just wanna rock! So why can't they? It just don't make sense dudes! The A&R prick****s that taunt bands with their promise of gold, know as much about music, as I do about what women really talk about. Liverpool bands....scally halfwits who act hard. Manchester bands.....scally halfwits who act hard but can relate to Joy Division. Leeds bands...do I need to say it, "this is what keeps the A&R ****heads in jobs and free wine". God I'm ashamed to say, that I have witnessed one of the best new unsigned rock bands in years, and already I know, they haven't got a ****ing chance in this world of demonic ****ing music hating in it for the money arseholes. You guys rock, just keep givin it to them dudes, Spoff salutes you.

Who the **** is this cheesemonger? Audiogene? Is there one? Not on tonights evidence. Oh god if Bill Hicks were alive he would be on stage with a ****ing gun. Hey it's ok to rock kids, "erm yeah we know, so can you get the **** off the stage you little blink, lit, follow the 'what the kids want ****head' and get the last band back on....no....****"! Everything that Bill Hicks hated in a band is in front of my tortured ****ing eyes. And I hated it too. Robbie Williams doin metal just aint right, he is a cheeseball, he picked his bed and you are ****ing lying in it for him! These are the kind of nobcheesecock****s that keep ruinin everything for us. "If my no talent ass stays on this stage, cause I'm funny and stuff, and I like suck A&R dick the real talent will never be seen". I was worried about these guys turning into Alien Ant Farm right in front of my eyes. Jumping around - check, pointy guitars - check, really bad bad bad cover version - yep you got it all with these dudes. In short, hey I know, it's a cliche thing but, in short, music for 14 year olds without pubes, "I had a job, a swan is a cob, I am a nob"....**** OFF, I believe is the next line....NEXT DICKHEAD!

And when Spoff says next, he means Dingoes Ate My Baby, cough, sorry Four Star Mary. The band with two names that lucked out by appearing in Buffy. Way to make a career guys, but hey Spoff takes his hat off to you fellas. If I could write a bunch of tunes when I'm middle aged and be able to play to a, let's face it pretty ****ing full of 14 year olds Barfly on a wet Wednesday night, then let me in on your secret, bite my neck, whatever. Should I shave my head? I've definitely got to practise jumping up and down a lot man. Musically, I didn't really get it. It rocked with a capital R, A, W and even a K, but apart from the really annoying drum machine track I can't remember much in the way of song titles. Perfect background music for film and television? Spoff says yes, and a bit of vampire fighting would have livened the night up no end. What we ended up with was a roomful of really happy teenage fans and Spoff a bit perplexed. But hey, keep on rocking in the free world dudes.