Friday 28/04/06 Goldie lookin Chain @ Carling 24, Canvas, London

“We are gonna make tonight like a ****in’ 18-30 holiday” hollers P Xain as Newport heroes Goldie Lookin’ Chain take the stage, but with the amount of free Carling flying about this evening, tonight’s audience are already halfway there. Looking like a walking advert for ‘Sport and Soccer’, the lads bound around the stage in their typically comedic style, and within seconds, have the crowd in stitches.

It’s hard to know where to look much of the set, with all 8 rappers flexing half body-popping/half epileptic fit dance moves (including some pant-wettingly hilarious synchronised robot dancing). Maggot predictably gets a huge post-CBB cheer as he prances his way (rather camply) through ‘Maggot at Midnight’, although in terms of solo attention, Adam Hussein’s schoolmaster’s outfit (mortar board and all) steals the show. Musically, it’s GLC’s chart hits that really get the crowd moving tonight. The chorus of ‘Your Missus is a Nutter’ provides an unlikely anthemic sing along; ‘RNB’ gives the lads the chance to show off their own singing voices (NB they don’t/can’t); and ‘Guns Don’t Kill People, Rappers Do’ is still as bouncy and hilarious as ever, and has the audience dancing like idiots, clutching their heads wondering how something so naff can be so ****ing good! Other musical highlights include ‘Short Term’, a quick rendition of Kajagoogoo’s, ‘Too Shy’, and So Solid’s ’21 Seconds’, cleverly (?) amended to ’21 ounces to go’.

But frankly, tonight the music takes a back seat to the hilarious rubbish that uncontrollably pours from these guys’ mouths – “I just blew snot out of my noise”, “I found £2 in cash”, “I don’t know where I am” - it’s physically impossible not to crack a smile listening to/looking at Goldie Lookin’ Chain. The colourful outfits, the ridiculous dance moves, the stupid names; it’s easy to imagine that this may be why people once found jesters funny, before the film ‘IT’ made all clowns the scariest things alive.  But these clowns say ‘cock’, ‘minge’ and ‘****’ as well - brilliant. “We saw Ian Brown earlier, and he had a ****in’ ace tracksuit on” boasts Eggsy – hmm, fashion kudos from GLC – compliment or insult? Discuss.   

A quick trip backstage uncovers an unsurprising post show ritual of lots of drinking and lots of smoking, and the resulting conversation is predictably ridiculous. “How old do you reckon Madonna is?” asks (a hatless) 2hats. “She’s like 50 or 60” replies Mike Balls. Billy Webb nods his approval. Yeah I agree too, maybe not 60, but she’s no spring chicken! “No, no, you’re wrong,” protests 2hats, “every time she comes off stage, they cryogenically freeze her, and so she never ages. She’s actually only like 25”. I see. Adam Hussein wanders in looking less than well and slumps down next to the wall. Our cue to leave. But the true gentlemen that they are, on our exit, we are presented with a bottle of brandy and some frosty beers. They may play dumb, dress like they fell into the JJB Sport’s bargain bin, and drink enough in an hour to keep Lemmy going for a whole day, but GLC have manners, a rare quality in today’s society. Lads, your Mums should be proud.