Diva-stating: It's Super Monday!

Any regular readers of my single blog effort will know that last week I sung the praises of modern day pop music. Lo and behold, today sees the release of four singles by four of the biggest female artists in the world. No doubt a serious amount of cash will have been lavished upon these new tracks and the surrounding promotion, but how do they fair?

(Through my research I have listened to the songs several times via you tube - for the lonely men out there I have added a “handy” (apologies) titillation score for each video)

Britney Spears - Womanizer

Let’s start with Britney – 90’s pop princess, turned uncle fester lookalike and then back to “yeh, I suppose I would”. After last years return to form with Blackout (which included some top notch singles) it’s safe to say that this is a bit of a disappointment. More irritating than catchy, a fairly dull, retro production with a spoken word section in the chorus that is cringe worthy to say the least (in fairness, 90% of spoken word in music is). The word womanizer is repeated so often, that 2 minutes into the track the word had completely lost all meaning. I found myself focusing on the phonetics to try and work out what the hell she was singing. Long after the song had finished I realised that it probably wasn’t worth worrying about.

Vid: Typical “different” Britney character video, but the naked sauna section secures a 7/10. (Somehow I still can’t get the image of shaved head Britney looking slightly like a testicle out of my head)

Christina Aguilera – Keeps Gettin’ Better

Arguable Britney pretender is back with more (and more) layers of vocals. First listen and the track seems extremely similar to Britney’s, in fact you can pretty much sing one over the other. There’s something awfully Goldfrapp about this one, but with the added bonus of Christina’s irritating layered vocal effect in the chorus. It just makes her sound terrifying; I can only imagine her talking to shop workers and waiters in every day circumstance with 5 layers of her own voice backing her up. Again, this seems much weaker than last years Back to Basics - I was all for the 40’s/50’s image and the big band inspired singles Candyman (awesome) and Ain’t No Other Man. Never mind, at least its short.

Vid:  Not great, more character-based tomfoolery and mobile phone promotion. Titillation score? A lousy 4/10

Beyonce – If I Were a Boy

Disappointingly an epic ballad clocking in at over 5 mins – including an uber-pretentious spoken word intro, which reads “Intimacy, Honesty, Commitment, You, Me, Us” – really sets the tone for the wankfest ahead (sorry, not for you titillation fans).
A single progression the through the majority of the track (yawn) – the only way to pass the time is to try and work out what exactly it sounds like. It’s just so plain it sounds like everything but you can’t put your finger on it (answers below please). Will definitely go to number one and sit there for all time (which coincidentally is how long the song lasts...guffaw) especially in the US where they lap up this shit.

Vid: 0 for titillation. Shot movie-style in monochrome with an impressively predictable “twist” in it. Turns out he’s the cop not her! Gasp! There you go... ruined, and you don’t have to sit through it. You’re welcome.

Leona Lewis – Forgive Me

I dreaded this one, expecting another 5 minute warbling ballad. Thankfully Leona is out to prove that although she may look like one, she is no one trick pony (I kid). This is a pretty upbeat sounding track, well, at least in the chorus which sounds like some kind of 70’s ethnic comedy show theme tune. A quick scan through the lyrics reveals a less positive, yawnsome relationship struggle but I won’t bore you with that. Not bad, but for some reason she always reminds me of Tony the Tiger, anyone else? I guess not.....

Vid: Camp West Side Story/musical theme, only mustering a 5 on the titillation scale.

Well, after my flagrant promotion of pop music last week I’ve been made to look quite the fool. With both feet squarely in my mouth, I promise I’ll never form an opinion again.

(Slipway Fires is still unforgivable)

The Releases: