Parka - 'Attack Of The Hundred Yard Hard Man' (Jeepster) Released 05/05/08

Call me a cynical fucker who risks sounding duplicitous, but when it comes to labelling music genres, trends and scenes, journalistic licence can all too easily fall into one of four categories: 1) Ingenious 2) Spurious and self-serving 3) Lazy 4) Fucking obvious; they can also leave an ink stain of confusion in their vacuous wake. Described as a combination of disco, punk, rock, electro and even skindie (a mix of ska and indie) all in the same breath, Parka’s ‘Attack Of The Hundred Yard Hard Man’ is the perfect case in point. Unfortunately these descriptive claims almost certainly fall into category three.

But don’t panic because at the risk of sounding offensive, Gigwise can best describe the Glaswegian 4-piece’s debut succinctly, accurately and in a fifth and suitably Scottish category: Pish. Parka fans hold your incensed horses as this isn’t intended to be a rambling diatribe but honesty is sometimes the best policy. ‘Bosses And Bastards’ starts well enough with all the promise that an old firm grudge match holds, but it disappointingly settles into a mediocre 90 minutes of Sunday League instead. The frenetic aspirations of ‘Disco Dancer’ (coincidently the albums standout track) are a mild improvement but it’s a self-contained energy that doesn’t go far enough and is about as disco as a dead pensioners cock.

Add track three, ‘Mr Optimistic’, to the equation and you’ve got the blueprint for the remaining nine songs. By now the pace, energy and style are all too familiar, but lyrical references to booze, fags, drugs and sex are introduced through ‘DJ In The Corner’, ‘Hoxton Hair’ and ‘You’re No Geezer (But You Try)’. To intelligently celebrate or denounce these outrageously filthy vices would be as equally acceptable, but instead, Parka seem to sneer almost enviously, down their tartan noses at those who do indulge and that’s not a good look.

While ‘I Don’t Wanna Fight You Tonight’, ‘Wake Up Call’ ‘Better Anyway’ and ‘If You Wanna’, fall back on the tabloid appeal of a novelty football anthem complete with incomprehensible stuttering vocals and a ball achingly painful brass section, the unimaginative and uncomfortably laboured tempo of ‘There’s A Riot (Goin’ On)’ hints at a collectively non-committal rebellious counterculture and is the albums only leaning towards punk, but only in the slang adjective of the word, meaning worthless or unimportant.

Somewhere in the middle of this car-boot sale collection, the band change direction and have a half decent, but not great stab at an emotionally charged and slowed down number in the shape of ‘Stay Away’ which sadly ends up feeling somehow forced and self-expected, rendering itself vacant and irrelevant. Going by ‘Attack Of The Hundred Yard Hard Man’, Parka is a band that want to create good time music, but the majority of their tracks, regardless of their hollow merits, leave you waiting for a punchline that simply never comes.