Blondes, Neon, Robots - Singled Out!

‘Renegade Cavalcade’, now there’s a mouthful, but let’s face it, Ash are big enough to do and say whatever they want nowadays, even if what they really mean to say is “We’re the new Smashing Pumpkins.” A more muscular performance than the indie Ash of old, is echoed in the foul “metal” artwork of the latest Ash releases, but also in the stronger, gutsier guitar work, all bolstered by a more sinister vocal from Tim Wheeler. Aside from putting some water between Charlotte’s new side-line in indie-pop it also serves to reinvigorate everything that you loved about the younger, poppier more obvious Ash.

‘Killimangiro’, not as sophisticated a word as it looks, afterall it ends in giro and that’s more than likely what this songs is about. The Libertines are an empty joke without Pete and this Baby Shambles single proves it. There’s no Carl in the vocal? It’s not really missed, but I’ve read this book a thousand times, seen the film and bought the sweatbands, they get back together in the end. They have to, Albion needs them. Meanwhile keep Pete on the straight and narrow and buy his records.

In this world where women are king you’re bound to get a slap for calling one of the sisterhood a bird, then, in typical upside down, topsy turvy female stylee one Janice Price comes along and insists you call her Bird. ‘Falling Like Stars’ is a pleasant enough jaunt into piano.alt territory. This isn’t quite Dido, but we’re in the same suburban shopping isle.

Yeeearse! Manchester’s Politburo are A Band, one that offers fresh new hope of something great rising again from the bland canal-side redevelopment that the North’s industrial heartland risks becoming if it doesn’t watch itself. ‘Line of Wealth’ throws a mancunian gauntlet down for the rest of the western world to pick up. Dare you challenge the British inheritors of Interpol’s slightly subversive but nonetheless beautiful throne? Not unless you’re well ****ing hard.

You know that moment when you get that sudden rush of inspiration? Maybe you just finished listening to your favourite Placebo tune. You put pen to paper, in the dark of night, pluck your guitar, five minutes later a masterpiece sits in your possession. You can’t wait to unleash it onto the world. Unfortunately this time Colour of Fire’s ‘A Pearl Necklace for Her Majesty’ is just a rewritten Cradle of Filth classic. Oh shite, get me my eyeliner!

Possibly the greatest new record label to share the oxygen of our ace planet, east London’s Angular Recording’s unveil yet another talent in the shape of The Long Blondes. That scary strangely slightly robotic European mid-sixties female voice fronts ‘Giddy Stratospheres’. It’s ace, despite the horriblest weediest chorus. Why? Because there’s a following chorus of even more quaint English girly singing voices asking “Is she a femme fatale?” And they’re really serious.

Anything with “girls” in the title is going to get me excited, but if it includes the word “fighting” like Earth the Californian Love Dream’s new single (or EtCLD as us tendonitis sufferers prefer to call them), who've gone all the way and called their latest rock romp ‘Girls Fighting’, then I’m going to be more than ecstatic. The only thing that could make this filthy slab of sleaze-rock more exciting would be to put the words “in mud” in the title somewhere.

It must have been a sleepless night for Norman Cook when Jive Bunny Eric Prydz topped the chart with a sample from a Phil Collins classic. I find it hard to believe that when Fatboy Slim had finished eating three Weetabix the next morning, he thought he could beat forty women in leotards with ‘Wonderful Night’ and its post-Shaggy-isms. A more likely story is that Zoe Ball accidentally on purpose switched his Culture Club samples for a ‘Best of Junior’ compilation. Poor bugger.

Already an office classic: ‘Bath Time in Clerkenwell’ is the musical equivalent of ebola. Slightly more catchy though, but only slightly. BBC Three (yeah I know it’s targeted at 30 somethings) are already using this tune by (The Real) Tuesday Weld for one of their idents. It’s a marketing man’s wet dream. Think Um-Bungo theme tune on fast forward.

Destiny’s ****ing Child, and all those other under-worked, over-paid r’n’b acts – try listening to some Mousse T. ‘Right About Now’ is George Michael’s ‘Faith’ sung by En Vogue. Try it, you might like it.

‘Neon?’ asks Temposhark. The answer is probably yes, but I’m going to have to see your ID. A camp Jonathan Ross talks us through this electrofunk beaut, yes I said camp and Jonathan Ross in the same sentence. It’s about to get worse. I’m about to say camp, Jonathan Ross, Prince and **** in the same sentence. Does the world need a Temposhark? Oh aye, definitely, but only after Har Mar Superstar is claiming his pension.

I sense a real anti-Jet atmosphere in the current world climate. But it’s a mislead posse who rounded up these Stones pretenders and sent them back to the arse side of planet pop. Fortunately once the southern hemisphere’s version of Mr Jagger and pals had finished painting a red door a tasty shade of black, a bunch of scousers that have never heard the La’s strum a note, picked up where those misbehaving Kiwis left off. Classic. Timeless. Dirty. Glam. The Black Velvets are telling us all to ‘Get On Your Life’, ooh get them!

Transformers, robots in disguise. At least that’s what 69Corp would have us believe with ‘Demonseed’. The real truth is that the 69Corp are Soulwax in disguise. Well not really, but they sound like they could be. Fresh from releasing a track with mixmaster Howie B, the 69ers are messing up dance floors up and down the UK with this fine piece of electropop.

Ya, ya, ya. What haven’t Razorlight done in this last year? Nothing except proved all the doubters wrong, that's what! OK boringly they come from the same stable as a million other Libertine Mk 2 bandwagonists but this re-release of ‘Rip It Up’ is as good as it gets on Clone Square, otherwise known as Hoxton by the locals. Possibly this track has made its way to your iPod already and rightly so, but if you haven’t had the chance to invest a fifth of your giro into ‘Up All Night’ then buy a prime slice of what they do best.