Viewers of this year's Celebrity Big Brother might not be aware of Heidi Montag's pop star past - after all, her releases never really troubled the UK (or anywhere, really). With Montag hitting headlines lately due to her Celebrity Big Brother stint, we took a look back at her so-called musical history, and it's pretty safe to say that she could actually be one of the worst pop stars ever.
Forget Paris Hilton, who managed to hit that 'so bad it's good' niche perfectly, and even Kim Kardashian doesn't get a look in on this one - Kim only released one single, and knew when to stop. Heidi Montag is genuinely convinced that she should be a popstar - no, a superstar - so convinced, in fact, that she spent $2 million of her own money on her album, telling E! that it had actually caused her to go 'broke'.
The album, if you're wondering, sold just over 1,000 copies on its first week of release.
The most worrying thing about Heidi's pop aspirations are that she tries so hard. So - hard. It's weird that she has put so much effort into it (or so she says) and still can't come up with anything even vaguely memorable five minutes after you've heard it. Even Rebecca Black's 'Friday' had people singing it - through clenched teeth, certainly, but it stuck.
Her album Superficial - yes, the obvious joke here is that it's self-titled - had little to no impact. The major stand out is 'I'll Do It', which sums up Heidi's desperation quite nicely. It's a perfect example of how soulless the tracks are - and the lyrics are so cringe-inducing that they should somehow work, surely?
Who wouldn't love a song - even ironically - in which Heidi attempts to seduce the listener by inviting them "come eat my panties off of me," before promising them that she'll be any sexual incarnation they so desire - "I'll be your blonde tonight, if that's what you like. Stilettos and fishnets, if that's what you like. I'll be your hot mess, schoolgirl in curls - whatever your type, baby, if that's what you like, I'll do it." Sadly, 'hot mess' seems to be the only promise she follows through on.
There's nothing wrong with campy, bubbly pop - and especial worked on the album, she of 'I Kissed A Girl' and 'Toxic'ly when Cathy Dennis. Add Kool Kojak into the mix, known for his work with Nicki Minaj and Ke$ha and it feels like at least one of the songs should be worth listening to, even if no one wants to admit it. But somehow Heidi's empty, dead-behind-the-eyes vocals manage to stick the pin into every inflated balloon of a track.
There's just something so bizarre surrounding her so-called career - from when she compared Superficial to a Michael Jackson classic in an interview with E! - "I definitely do [think Superficial holds up against something like Thriller]," she says, explaining, "I've spent as much time - maybe more, even - than Thriller."
Maybe they spent all their budget before it came to the music videos, because that's the only explanation for the sad offering of 'Higher'. (If I'm using the word 'sad' too much, that's because it's difficult to find anything else to sum the joint musical offerings of 'Speidi' up).
The video - which was shot and directed by husband Spencer Pratt, although 'directed' might be too much of an overstatement - is even worse than expected. Looking like it was shot on a cameraphone circa 2001, the video features Heidi writhing around on a beach in a bikini and trying to give the camera alluring looks, but succeeding only in making the viewer want to sit her down and ask her what exactly went wrong in her life to get her to this point.
The pair claimed any criticisms of the video were due to it being too 'controversial', with Spencer adding, "She's beautiful and an unbelievable singer and I think the quality of music in a music video has never been seen before." Watch it for yourself below:
Add her live performance of 'Body Language' into the mix - thankfully without the awkward white-boy rap from Spencer - and Heidi doesn't even have the showmanship or stage presence to redeem herself, seeming instead like nothing more than an incredibly low budget Britney Spears wannabe.
With all the drama and theatrics that Heidi indulges in during her everyday life, it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect at least a trainwreck of music career - something interesting. But Heidi brings us a train that never left the station. It's just boring.
Heidi is yet to release the follow up from 2010's Superficial. Let's all cross our fingers and pray it stays that way.