Daytime Radio Is Destroying My Will To Live

Has radio always been awful? I expect it has, but now I find myself in a job where the radio blares out all day long I genuinely cannot believe how irritating it is. The restricted playlists seem to be made up of about three songs. Over the course of a day you can easily here the same track two or three times – that’s up to 15 times a week, and 30 in two. Thankfully, at the point when you are seriously considering suicide, most tracks are reaching the end of their radio life span and the frequency of plays gradually declines.

What confuses me, is that a large percentage of the demographic radio is targeted at must be people in my position - listening 9-6pm. This over exposure means that songs that I may like on first listen gradually become annoying and then move swiftly on to pain-inducing. This problem is intensified by the current trend in slightly “kooky” music e.g. Chairlift and the jaw-droppingly idiotic Fight Like Apes. Each play feels like you are being punched in the face by stupidity and yet still suffering the loss of brain cells associated with actual physical assault.

As if that weren’t bad enough you also have to put up with incredibly stupid adverts. Some run something like this, “This new (insert service/good) is so (insert description) you can hear it. (Insert unconvincing sound effect)” – really inspired. Then there are the ads where two consumers discuss the benefits/pitfalls of their new tea/bank/STD – not only patronising but apparently scripted by a writer turned down by Hollyoaks. Worse still are the jingle based adverts which are on almost as often, and are almost as excruciating as the ****ing talentless, pretentious Ting Tings (almost....).

So, who do the radio stations employ to guide you through this audible waste land - surely someone calming, interesting, and kind to the ears? Nope, just a load of pricks. Where they find such a miserable collection of dullards and idiots is beyond me. I just cannot picture how they would advertise the positions in order to filter out every single person with anything that equates to a personality. How can they listen to their voices and not think, “You know what, this persons voice might just make people turn on one another – let’s just fill the gaps with the comparatively soothing sound of nails on a blackboard”.

At work I have grown to hold DJ’s in the same regards as disease, war and famine. Presenter-wise the station of choice contains all the usual suspects. Firstly, there is the morning monotonous guy, so devoid of character they barely register. I’m sure this is just to ease people into their day, but I can just imagine the production team struggling to capture anything his mouth is emitting, as if he is broadcasting on a newly discovered dull frequency which although audible is impossible to decipher through its blandness.

Then there are the frat boy antics of the mid-morning crew. Cue incessant sound effects and “hilarious” camaraderie in idiocy. Without his partners in stupidity all that would be left is a lonely presenter, silence and, I’d like to think, a crushing realisation of lack of self-worth that engulfs their soul completely breaking their mind instantly. At least listening to the sound of a broken man drooling onto a microphone would be an improvement in quality and content.

Oh, and we also have the nauseous chameleon female presenter who shows an interest in everything, but seemingly no actual knowledge or personality of their own. Coming across about as genuine as Santa (Merry Christmas kids), each teeth-grinding “wow”, “that’s great” and contrived laugh twinned with “really?!?” has left me with nothing but my gums. Luckily the rubbing of gums produces a squeaking noise that’s still more pleasant to listen to than the show itself. The fact that this is accepted as entertainment and paid for paints a terrifying picture of society as a bunch of infantile, attention span starved, drones... well, they’ve certainly nailed their audience.

Anyway, I’ve got an idea for a show; let’s get some DJ’s to continuously prank call Andrew Sachs ensuring the surrounding media frenzy rages fiercer and fiercer until Daily Mail readers heads just start popping in the street. Now that’s entertainment.